I’ve had a great day, so it feels like a weird time to talk some more about feelings, but as I think is clear, I’m going head first into the transformative thinking thing. So here goes.
I want to talk about fear. Not little fear, like fear of spiders. Big fear: the kind that becomes all-consuming the second you let yourself really think about it. Last night I had a night of big fear, letting myself get into that awful circular thinking cycle where no matter how hard you try you can’t break away. It was so much that I decided to ignore it (which is practically never the right option). Then today I had a lovely day, full of lovely things, and it made me remember that I need to deal with the fears because as previously mentioned, that is how we move forward.
Now, before we go on I feel like I need to do the disclaimer thing again. My life is absolutely amazing, and I am coming from a place of such privilege I almost shouldn’t be allowed a blog. But this is about personal stuff and thoughts and feelings and saying them. So now that I’ve disclaimed, let’s move on.
What is my fear? The horrendous one which makes it hard to breathe and think and makes everything seem horrible. Simple. I’m terrified that no-one likes me.
Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. The evening that I’ve just spent with the wonderful people of OperaSoc immediately proves that. But here’s the thing, just because you know something’s silly, doesn’t stop it being scary. I know that there are people out there who like me, or even love me, but some days it’s really hard to tell who they are and where they are, and I feel so lonely that I withdraw into my own head until I’m convinced that people only spend time with me because they have no choice.
It’s a damaging state of mind, one which I’ve built for myself through years of being used by people who value my brains or my skills more than me as a person. This isn’t everyone, but it’s definitely a few people who’ve made a deep impact before leaving without so much as a wave. I’m learning, slowly, to spend my time and energy on the people who have proven themselves to like me for who I am, but I still keep tripping up, and I’m still scared.
And as with yesterday, it’s a silly thing, and it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. But here is me owning up to it, in the hope that now is the time I begin to properly move on.