…and I’m a workaholic.
Which on the face of it seems like one of those things you’d say if you were going to be smug about answering the dreaded interview question “what is your biggest flaw?” “Who me? Well, if I had to pick something, it’d be that I just work too hard. I’m such a hard worker and that’s really bad”.
But the thing is, it is really bad. Just because it’s an everyday thing, doesn’t make it any less damaging of an addiction.
As is probably clear that this point, this is going to be one of those brutally honest, getting-things-off-my-chest posts, which I don’t really think has happened in a while. I’ve had an intense few weeks of doing things and I’ve come out of the end of it realising I probably need to take a hard look at how I live my life and reassess some of my academic, work, and personal goals.
The first of these is going to be this – the admission (to no-one in particular, oh blogging, how I love thee) that I have a problem with doing things. I’m a workaholic and a commitmentaholic. I have no free time because I say yes to every single activity which sounds even vaguely interesting. I can’t deny that partially that is a good thing. I spend all of my time learning new skills and meeting new people, and growing as an individual. For the most part, I’m also very good at time management and so I can absolutely afford to do all of the things I do.
But here’s the problem. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should. I’ve spent years now working my socks off and even though it’s made me very happy throughout, I’m coming to a point where I realise I don’t have a huge amount to show for it. I’m so busy putting on a show, or arranging an event, I haven’t got time to commit to enriching my friendships. I’ve developed myself personally in all kinds of fascinating ways, but ultimately I’m not getting paid any more, nor am I any further along academically. I’ve managed to maintain my relationship with Boyfriend, but if we’re honest that can be put down to his tolerance rather than my effort.
So here’s the first step. I admit that I’m a workaholic and that I do too much, and that I need to do less. The world will not crumble and fall if I leave an email for tomorrow, or if I turn down an event because I don’t need to do it, even if I feel I’ve got the time or capacity to say yes.
This may not seem like much, world, but it’s a big deal.
Look forward to the post in a few months time when I detail how spectacularly I’ve failed to change this cycle. When I write it, I’ll remind myself of all the good intentions I had here.