Lately I have a constant headache. I don’t know if I’m getting ill, if I’m tired (which seems unlikely given how long I slept for today), or if I’m just run down.
The fact that I’m medicating with pear drops may not be helping.
I have a good track record with illness. I had chicken pox when I was 6 or 7, which I managed to bounce my way through though I quite effectively while making my mum and brother ill. I got glandular fever while I lived in Spain and didn’t even actually notice (though I did feel pretty under the weather for a weekend or so).
Unsurprisingly, I’ve no idea where this post is really going, because my head hurts.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Dido lately, after rediscovering her album in my CD case (which is full of gems which I bought in the early 2000s, and a lot of Christian rock/pop because that was my chosen rebellion). I’m not suggesting that Dido is giving me a headache, but it has matched up very closely in timing.
*insert sensible ending to post here*
Let’s be clear. There’s really no upside to fireworks.
They are momentarily pretty, sure, but there are so many things which are pretty. Stars, sun-kissed hills, ice cream, rainbows, art (misc). And most of them are pretty for far longer than fireworks.
And of the above, only one is an explosion, and stars are far enough away that I’m not immediately afraid for my life. Fireworks, on the other hand, are often very nearby, and are (in this country anyway) often handled by people who are wildly ill-equipped to manage explosives.
That’s really all I have to say.
Down with fireworks.
I’m going to get a promotion and buy a house.
Easy to say when it’s just in letters, on a back-end-of-the-internet blog. But that is what I’m going to do.
The promotion is already happening, a bit. Not in a permanent way, but in a very definite we-can-work-on-this way. In a moving forward productively way.
The house thing is happening as well, in that I have looked at a lot of houses on the internet, and one in person, and I’ve talked to an adviser about mortgages, and googled “the best place to live in Leeds”.
It’s all terrifying.
I’ve made a bit of a significance out of always moving forward, and always bettering myself in small ways every day. Right now I have a lot of times where I feel like there is no possible way of climbing the enormous mountain of life, or even the enormous mountain of getting out of bed in the morning. But I also have a few times where all these things feel achievable, and like things that I have watched other people do with great success.
And like things that will not end the world even if they don’t pan out perfectly.
So here I go, taking steps.
..about Tinder. Mate. It’s so weird.
I’m something of a serial monogamist, though serial is probably taking it a bit far. I’ve had about 6 boyfriends, and 5 of those were between 16 and 18 when the most couply thing to do was hold hands and maybe meet up at the park. So I’ve never really “done” dating.
It’s been a month, and so in a moment of bizarre adventurousness, I decided I needed to Get Out And Meet People, so like all good millennials I took to the world of the internet. Because nothing says “healthy adult mindset” like picking out your best pouty photos in the hopes of getting strangers to like you.
I don’t have high hopes, I have to say. I’m (despite all appearances to the contrary) very shy, and apparently you really have to be willing to talk first. I also have no idea what to say. Hi there, I’ve recently separated from my long-term partner, I’m having some kind of life crisis, also I quite like opera. It’s a winning line, I’m sure.
And I don’t know what I think about the other people. Sure, some of them must be like me, just after a quick way to meet some new people in different circles (don’t get me wrong, I love my circles, just interested in new circles [but not Google circles, no-one cares about those]) but they are vastly outnumbered by people with terrible bios full of cheesy jokes or random quotes from obscure TV programmes. Or maybe those are the same people and I’m just doing it wrong.
Who knows, quite frankly.
It’s easy, in times like these when everyone is a first-hand witness to the atrocities of the world via real-time coverage and social media, to feel the need to share your commentary on every event.
But actually, you don’t have to.
Terrible things are happening every day. Terrible people are making a lot of them happen. Those people feed on attention, they are greedy for it, and they depend on it. No, ignoring the problem will not make it go away. But you can be a helper without discussion of the acts, the motivation, and the reactions.
Good places to help right now are:
Only give to charities and organisations whose work supports your personal beliefs, and be aware that there are organisations in the world who may not use your funds as you might like – a little research will normally turn up most problems, or you can use resources like aliveandgiving to check a charity’s credentials.
Gender: is a social construct
Skills: General administration
Good phone manner
Diary management for others
Complete inability to manage personal diary
Will apologise for literally anything (profusely)
Creative, but only in very specific ways
Bad teenage skin (note: not a teenager)
Can lose glasses almost immediately
Strong ability to preempt the needs of others
Strong ability to incorrectly try to serve those needs
Loves buying presents (presents are often terrible)
Can coexist with cats
Likely to say all of the wrong things at all of the wrong times
When I was about 13 I picked up one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read. It was called “Fire and Hemlock”, by Dianna Wynne Jones, and though I’ve read it a lot of times since, I’m still not totally sure I can tell you what the story is.
It interweaves the story of a young girl with the folk tales of Tam Lin and Thomas the Rhymer, and you spend the whole book not really knowing if you are coming or going. In particular, a set of vases are featured which depending on how they are positioned read any of “Now Here”, “Where now”, “Nowhere” or “Here now”. I loved the idea of these, and the idea that even if you feel like you don’t know where you are, it only takes a change of perspective to flip that on it’s head.
At this moment I’m somewhere between nowhere and where now? I’m beginning to take the first steps towards the first thoughts which will eventually lead me to now here.
Then the question will just be, where next?
Home isn’t a place, home is people.
This isn’t my first statement as an online lifestyle guru (though obviously that’s what I am). It’s an observation from the last few weeks, in which I’ve moved out of what I would have called my home, and learnt that Leeds is full of places which feel like home to me thanks to all of the fantastic people here.
Life is full of change, and full of things which don’t come through. My relationship with my boyfriend was longer than my relationship with this blog, but long doesn’t mean right, and so in the end moving on was the right decision for us both.
I’m not over it yet. 8 years is a long time. But I know that in time, I will be, and while I work through this I am so lucky to have the best people in the world creating my home for me. I’ll never be able to say thank you enough times to the people who’ve let me cry on them, text them when I’m sad, leave my things with them, move in with them (a particularly big thank-you here).
So. If you need my new address then please get in touch (if I know you. Don’t post me things if I don’t know you. I’m not famous. That’s just weird). If you fancy catching up, I’m all ears and also time.
Thank you for being my home.
(Also maybe this is the start of me blogging more again, but also maybe not, please don’t get your hopes up)
I am very bad at “self-care”, which the internet defines as;
“…the actions that an individual might take in order to reach optimal physical and mental health”
The thing about it is, I’m mostly wired to focus on doing things to make the people around me happy (brag brag brag, I’m such a great person), and so doing things exclusively for myself feels like a bit of a waste of time and energy.
That being said, you have to collect the things that make you happy and know what they are, so you can call on them when you need them.
You also shouldn’t ever feel bad about what makes you happy (unless it’s murder. Don’t do murder guys). We are societally pretty great at deciding how to define other people based on their choice of activities, and quite often those definitions are derogatory. Which is rubbish of society. If you love something and it makes you happy, do the thing (except MURDER. GUYS).
So, here are a few of the things which make me happy.
- Facemasks – guys. You can get so much done while also wearing a facemask, and then afterwards your skin is all BLAM I’M BRAND NEW BABY. It’s great.
- Coffee – I’m not a coffee snob, it really all mostly tastes the same to me. But I love sitting down to a cup of coffee.
- Twitter – I’ve explained this one before.
- Working out – I have a total love-hate relationship with exercise, but I get a huge buzz after doing a workout. Especially now I have one I can do at home, because I’m much less comfortable around other people.
- Nail art – I got a gel lamp from Boyfriend for Christmas, and it’s the best thing. Also see my instagram for occasional nail adventures.
- Food – It’s ok to like eating. Food is one of the greatest creations of the human race, there is so much magic and variety in food. Both cooking and eating.
- Skyrim – My name is Sally, and I’ve played over 500 hours of Skyrim, a video game about being an adventurer in medieval world with dragons. It’s a wonderful escapism, it is helping me to refine my motor skills (I don’t have great hand-eye coordination) and I find it very satisfying to complete quests.
- Reading – I don’t read a lot of books, I’ve yet to get back the habit after losing it through university. But I get a weekly magazine which I love, and I read a lot of articles online.
- Crafts – Doesn’t matter what it is, I love making.
- Good music – I have great taste in music (totally objective statement), and like with a facemask, you can do so much while listening to good music. Also included in this category are podcasts and radio plays.
It is entirely possible that my life is actually a narrative being played out in the head of some supreme being, and that just prior to me writing this, some otherworldly director has issued the direction “fade in…she sits at the desk in the front room, and opens her laptop”.
At this point in the story, I think most viewers have probably dozed off. Or, we’re still in the first 10 minutes and setting the scene. OR this is a flashback.
Regardless, I don’t think I’ve reached the interesting bit of my story yet. I’m not wishing my life away at all, just reflecting on the narrative arcs so far. I’d probably make a fairly good web-comic, with the right artist. My life isn’t thrilling, but it’s pretty funny, in a vaguely mundane but satisfying way.
There are a couple of things I don’t think are going to turn up in my story (so if you’ve been waiting for these, now might be the time to leave the cinema). I have too many physical problems to ever become a ninja, swamp/jungle adventurer, or to get a world record for “sport”. I am not going to do anything phenomenal in the world of science. I probably won’t ever be on TV.
Other than that though, it’s up for grabs. Let’s just wait and see.