Today I’m trying to write my thesis, so naturally I’m blogging.
I’m trying to give my full attention to my writing, but it’s difficult because honestly, I’m just not really very engaged with the subject any more, and I’ve lost sight of what I’m really aiming for by doing this piece of work. Since taking the decision to not apply for a PhD this year it feels a bit like I’m just spending a lot of time staring at books in order to get a piece of paper which says “yep, she stared at books for two years”. Which isn’t exactly inspiring.
I’m also very tired again. I’ve not taken my sunshine pill yet today, which might be contributing, but I think it’s more than that. Since I had my big splurge of truth-posts and reevaluation of my life, I’ve done precisely nothing differently. It’s hard to give things up, and so once again I’m in the position where there isn’t enough of me to go around.
Except I’m not sure that’s true. I just think I give too much of myself to the wrong things.
Recently I’ve been putting a huge amount of myself into certain things (in an effort to make all of the change that I spoke about in all the other posts). And the reason nothing has actually changed is that I’ve remembered that this is a cycle I’ve gone through before. You can fall into the trap of believing that your care and love and passion for things and people is limitless, and it is. But that doesn’t make it less tiring when you give so much of yourself to things and don’t get enough back. Every time I think I’ll make a big change, I invest lots of myself into the area I want to improve, and then like clockwork I have days like today where I am just tired, and drained, and nothing has changed since I began.
(except that I’m now more tired than when I began, so it’s hard to convince myself to keep putting that level of energy and effort in)
This isn’t an epiphany post, because I’m not going to change anything. I do need to pare down what I do, but I’m still going to keep putting all of myself into the smaller volume of things that I do. Even if that means being washed out and a bit lost at the end of it all. Because what is life if you avoid doing things just because you might get hurt or things might turn out badly? There’s not really any point.
Stay tuned for more general life exposition with Sally, coming soon (undoubtedly).