Emotions are super weird.
I “get” how they work. Things happen, and your brain has a reaction to the things, and then your brain and/or body manifest that reaction, and then that’s emotions. I think I’m just bad at them. I get very excited about tiny funny things, or fixate on one specific plan that I have an overwhelming hope will be the best way to spend my day. And sometimes I get sad, and I think sad is the emotion I’m both the best and worst at. I’m quite good at feeling sad, and I know there are lots of different kinds of sad. But I’m quite bad at feeling sad in the “right” ways.
Example. Last night I went to a lovely panto show, featuring some of my friends, some good music, with good company, and then at the end I helped with the load-out which will be the last one for the Riley in it’s current form. In case you’ve not been keeping up, this is the theatre which has provided me with some of the best experiences of my life, on, off, and backstage. It’s very special to me.
But I didn’t cry, or even particularly feel sad.
To put that into context, I cry at anything. This advert makes me cry.
But saying “goodbye” to a place I love and to memories I cherish, didn’t inspire that in me.
The good thing is, I know why. It’s not because I’m entirely broken, it’s just because my memories aren’t tied to that room. They are all memories about amazing people, fantastic creativity, teamwork, honesty, often hilarity. They are little snapshots that I’ll keep with me even when I’m halfway round the globe, rather than spitting distance from the doors of the Riley. So I wasn’t sad last night, I was just happy that I had the chance to build all those memories, and I’m so excited for the next bunch of people who get to do that in their lovely new space.
I’m still not sure whether my brain has entirely understood that the Riley won’t be there any more, and I think inside I’m crying a bit, but I’ll keep an eye on that and see how it goes. But for now, no tears.