Jessica (or, the anatomy of a spam post)

This has been sat in my drafts folder for a little while now, and I feel like after my last post a little mood-lightening is in order.

I’ve recently changed jobs, and while I can say that I am having a great time in my new place of work, it was a tough decision to leave Webdurance and I’ll always be grateful for the things I learnt there and the generally fantastic and wacky time I had.

One of the things I dealt with on a fairly regular basis while I worked there was spam posts. When you are working in the realms of blogging and content creation it’s really impossible not to, but that doesn’t mean they ever really get boring. This one popped up in my spam filter a couple of months ago and it tickled me so much that I couldn’t help but share it. The following is an actual post that some robot wanted my to accept on my blog (complete, of course, with commentary)

[Let’s start as we mean to go on, by not capitalising anything] admin
[That’s my name!..oh no wait, that is not my name. Though my actual name is plastered everywhere around here…poor botty job]
have you wondered what’s the secret how big company websites get massive targeted traffic and exposure in Google 1st page results for the biggest and toughest keywords?
[Technically, before I worked in webby stuff, yes, but I don’t now. Now, I know. Also, even when that might have crossed my mind, I wouldn’t have worried about it applying to my tiny personal blog. Also also, this is just a terrible sentence.]

Answer is simple links,
[Oh right then, go on]
but only quality links which counts as votes for your site
[Hey guys, you can give votes to my site! Vote for me!]
giving Google no choice but to shoot your site rankings to #1 results so your customers can see your site at the top of Google search results.
[I have no customers. As previously mentioned, this is a tiny personal blog. It’s like you’ve not even read it]
Today is your lucky day
because I’m going to reveal you secret resource of best of the best links from 500’000 website network!
[Oh wow, 500’000 website network! Is that a network of 500,000 sites, or is that the name of a network? Also, please don’t “reveal me” because that is creepy, and not up to you]
Yes that’s correct not some tiny 500 site network but half a million.
[Okidoke, back with you now. It’s half a million websites in a network. Great.]

*Links from real established, authority English actual PR pages with low outbound links max 10
[So now we’re bulleting? Fine. Authority English actual is not what you have in actual English, clearly]
* Skyrocket your website rankings for your website related keyword and get massive laser
[This deal just got sweeter. I am all about a massive laser]
targeted traffic,
customers and $$$ in your bank account.
[Excuse me sir, but this is Britain donchaknow. Dollars are of no use to you here]
Forget about thousands of crap directory and forum links which will do nothing bust just hurt your website rankings.
[This is not actually entirely wrong. Apart from the misspelling of “but”]
Get the real deal at
[Link removed because it seems a bit crazy to do a joke piece about spammers but then actually give them links. No no.]
Yes that’s the future of link building
[Well, if it’s the future then naturally I’m sold. Glad you mentioned it]
After my site is now at #1 position in Google
I think is the game changer in seo world!
[Respectfully, I do not. Also, articles.]
Your friend Jessica.
[You are a robot, and your name is not Jessica. Or, much more worryingly, you aren’t a robot. However, I’m ready to bet your name still isn’t Jessica]

I’m still getting some great spam, but Jessica has definitely been a highlight. Now, this has been very successful procrastination, but it’s probably time to get on and do some work. Ah well.

1 thought on “Jessica (or, the anatomy of a spam post)

  1. Thanks for the laugh 🙂 I just had a post this morning on one of my articles, only the name was Patricia Linser, but came from the same site trying to pump traffic results!

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