So today my brain and body are both moving at about 1/5 normal speed. It’s fine, and probably means good things about how much more relaxing my life is at the minute, but it’s also not my favourite way to be.
I’m very dysfunctionally lazy. I like doing nothing (because everyone likes doing nothing sometimes) but I have an irrepressible sense of guilt whenever I do nothing. It’s not that there’s even anything really to do, except that there’s always something to do. So I feel bad as soon as I realise that I’m not doing it.
The problem with how I feel today is that I don’t know how to begin doing something proper. I have my thesis open, I know the laundry has just finished, and I’m looking at things I need to make a fancy dress costume, but I’m just not getting anywhere with any of it. I’ve even had this page open for half an hour with no idea what I was going to write, until I remembered that I usually just write about whatever I’m thinking about. But then the issue was, I wasn’t thinkng of anything.
And that’s the weirdest one. Usually I suffer from brain overactivity – I can’t switch off all of the bizarre thoughts whizzing about my head, and I get caught up in my own personal melodramas. I think myself into the most ridiculous corners until I have to force myself to do something otherwise I’ll just go a bit mad. But not today. Today I’m presented with a horrifying, intimidating, wide blank space, and I just don’t know what to do with it.
When I work something out, I’ll let you know.